Samidoh goes from keeping exes coming back for more to serenading bandits

He has a voice that can lure nyoka out of pangoni. But his voice is, perhaps, not what his bosses had in mind when they moved Samuel Muchoki, alias Samidoh, to the Anti-Stock Theft Unit.

Samidoh, a police officer who prefers the guitar to the gun, will be serenading bandits in the troubled North Rift for the foreseeable future. If you bought advance tickets to his Mugiithi shows, count your money as a donation to Bwana Maji Marefu and his troop of waganga.

In case you missed it, Samidoh was transferred for dancing to the "WanTam" tune, a club banger taking Murima by storm. Samidoh was in his usual entertaining business at a joint in Kiambu County when revellers decided they, too, could sing. WanTam, the song went. It features no other lyrics, just WanTam, chanted at the top of the lungs.

In case you are not from around, the song implies that President William Ruto will serve a single term in office. I would love to translate it to Swahili for our Tanzanian neighbours, but they can make Google Translate their friend.

Samidoh initially thought he could play it down, but eventually caved, bobbing his head first to the tune, before grooving to it. Given his bony structure, every dance Samidoh performs looks like a break dance.

"Have you said that I should say it is only one term? Are you the ones telling me to say it? Have I ever gone against your wishes?" he surrendered.

His bosses were not amused and promptly transferred him pending further disciplinary action. Samidoh ought to have known the official government policy is TuTam (two terms) and taken a cue from the big boss, Inspector General Douglas Kanja, who openly campaigns for the President.

No one in the government seemed offended that he had attended a meeting with Deputy President Kithure Kindiki and agreed to compose praise songs for Bwana Kasongo. Only former DP Rigathi Gachagua seemed to mind, bullying an apology from some of the artistes who attended the Karen meeting.

The 33-year-old should have sensed trouble when Karen was involved. The name has earned him global recognition. For the wrong reasons. Samidoh might have been a household name in Murima, but much of the rest of the country knew him because of his soap opera with Nominated Senator Karen Nyamu, who once declared Samidoh was too good for one woman.

The two have gone from being sweethearts to estranged, to sweethearts and estranged back again, ad infinitum. Their love story, played out in the public gallery, has often come between Samidoh's marriage. The latest account, however, has it that Samidoh and Karen are done for good, a song we have heard countless times before. Apologies if you are waiting for further details, this is not the place for gossip!

Despite the transfer, the Mugiithi maestro has not lost his smile, which has always seemed tattooed on his face. He chose to celebrate the move with a trip to London, displaying his perfect set of teeth to the world as he has his love life. Unfazed by his transfer, he happily chanted WanTam abroad, leading many to question whether he truly is okay upstairs, as he croons in his Ndiri Mutwe Mwega song.

It has a lot to do with the fact that the posting is not really a punishment, after all. The government could be utilising its assets in the best way possible. Samidoh's voice could work wonders in wooing bandits out of the valleys and ravines of the North Rift. Given his posting will be among livestock, Samidoh’s skills could also come in handy if they decide kuchezea mbuzi guitar. This strategy has worked before. 

The last person to achieve results when dealing with bandits had a soprano the cattle thieves could not resist. As Interior Cabinet Secretary, all Kindiki had to do was speak. His screechy voice must have deceived the bandits into thinking the coast was clear. And the bandits would abandon their caves and walk into the hands of their mean-faced tormentors.

The current Waziri for Interior, Kipchumba Murkomen, has struggled to tame the bandits since his appointment. No fault of his own, of course. If he had the choice, it is doubtful Murkomen would have elected to croak, as does he.

Given the same choices, Samidoh would change nothing. Thanks to his voice, the lanky light-skinned man with a bony face can afford to live away from the round tin-walled huts many of his colleagues call home. More importantly, Samidoh's vocals have kept his exes coming back from more.